July 25, 1927, Lynbrook, New York, to El Paso

Saturday 23 Dear Helen : That darn likeness is on its way, and do treat him right. When you asked for it in the last letter, I made up my mind that you were determined to suffer so who am I to change a womans mind. I saw Saturday's Children this afternoon and I enjoyed it very much. There was plenty of philosophy which appealed to me but I think a lot of it was pretty much concealed. As to the various trying situations et al., they proved quite interesting. Any further comment will be reserved until you tell me just what is in the back of your mind (or was) when you wanted me to see it. If worse, I merely enjoyed it immensely. I wonder did you listen in on the fight the other night. I couldn't help but wonder at the time I heard whether you too might not be hearing the same voice. If you want to know perfectly how I feel at dusk, just about now, listen to “At the End of the Day.” You can call that my song if you like because I surely would feel proud of having written it originally. All of which leads me to express a regret which often sought for expression and has as often been stifled and that is that I didn't see more of you those two years which have just passed. Not unexpected, on the surface. But there are more reasons than one, always recurring. The one that seems to be imperative, now, is the fact that I would so liked to have passed with you through that period when we are so disillusioned by life. It is true that you were present in memory but that doesn't increase associations. As far as you and they are concerned, the Cracker-Jack slogan fits and ain't it the truth. Right about now I am thinking about my courses for next year. I can't seem to make up my mind whether to complete my pre-medical studies or let them rot. If I do it means Physics I, Chem. IV, Biog 4 and German III in the Science department next year. They don't particularly appeal to me but then I might surprise someone and pass them all. If I drop them it seems I should be able to make cum laude even with the last two years as they have been. Won't you put yourself out and try to make me some helpful suggestions. As far as that goes, just tell me what I should take and I'll do it. Can't you picture me as some some sort of a happy success. If so, what and why? This last is supposed to be humorous but the gist of it all is serious. And please answer this the next time you write. Remember Sat.'s Children and $40. per. What a trying time they had but it was since all the same. However I should like to avoid it in some way. [Dont say 'don't get married' because that won't do since I'm marrying you, little girl] This other stuff about my future seems awfully unconvinced for a person as old as I am but it really makes no difference as long as I have you. Had I really a native town such as your El Paso there might some help but as it is I feel more or less like a vagabond when native towns arise as a subject. Now let me talk of you, of whom I know so little and yet know so much. Just a memory but how I cling to you. It often seems like but a dream with you just a wisp of something that has disappeared. But after it has passed, I can't help agreeing with Lucretius that soul, universal motivation and all is a pervading group of special atoms which, unlike the others as to perceptive qualities and weight, are much the same as those which impel men to feel a supreme love. I sometimes feel angry with God or le force majeur because he could not let me lose someone more within my reach in every way. Pity that I am made so that only one will do. Then on the other hand I can't help but thinking that nearly every thing in this world worth while must be toiled and striven for in one way or another. Then it is only justice that anyone so sweet, so utterly desirous and so singly neccesary should be as unattainable as the stars which she is like, - for you are heavenly. May God give you a pain in your heart and a yearning in your soul which equals mine for you and provided it is not blasphemy I pray that it may be for and because of me. And remember I write only because I am lonely and because I hope that each letter may find you caring , did I not have hopes of this I would gladly do and die , or some other expression of a quick, ready and not undeserving exit. Sunday It seems highly probable that I may have to seek work elsewhere soon. The regular driller and a fellow who heads from Dallas, Tex. around this week and sort of make me look like an extra man. I guess it was quite unexpected that they should complete their work on another rig so soon. Any way I was told that I might be transferred in case there were an opening. I don't know whether I mentioned the fact that Bob Clarks dad is the head of the Eastern Division of this company and whereas he told me that his 'dad' would probably be able to fix it up all right in any case, Id rather uproot my shadow from this sort of a work unless a field-man seems needed. In spite of all surface willingness of people to fill in or make a vacancy on some occassions one never knows how they secretly & sincerely feel about it and I don't care to feel that someone believes he's 'handing me something on a platter.' Bill says he quits if I quit and I told him he could when I got as good or better job for the two of us. So it kind of looks as tho' I may be heading a lonely path if things don't brighten. Today is the first good Sunday we've had since I hit the Island. Its been raining so much that one doesn't feel natural if he don't have wet clothes sometimes during the day. But in spite of it all and due to such regular hours and habits and so much sleep, I've gained 8 pounds already and that during the hardening period. Maybe the scales were wrong for I really expected to lose. My haste ruined my tau and it all peeled in three days. The password then was indeed “Augustine.” By the bye, have you heard “What a Red Hot Momma will do” in Ab. Its kind of old ? You know I can't write nearly as good a letter by daylight as I can at dusk. Somehow I can't put down my pride and anger so well when I think of you. Somehow sometimes I can't help but feel that way, yet all the time I am loving you and I always will. “Cest un force que n'a pas raison”. And I want you to mark this down in your memory – but it may never fail you. The good Lord only knows what is in store for us all and I don't know what I'll do if I don't hang around this place . And I suppose if you want to look at it in a rather spiritless way what difference does it make for “Ask any old man and he will say that for him beauty has passed” or something like that. It's Yeates anyway. En touch case, jai ecrit encore uve fois et ca m'a lowee aussi un rasion pater etre aujourd live. Aloha-le Ted.